Hat’ll Do Nicely

by in Uncategorised 24th July 2019
“…75% of body heat is lost through the top of your head, which sounds like you could go skiing naked if you got a good hat” (Jerry Seinfeld)
When it rains and the drops land on my head they bounce and land again. I endure twice the rain of others. Then again, I don’t have to suffer ruined hair, looking bedraggled or need to arrive and immediately rush to the bathroom to towel, dry and re-arrange my hair. It’s good to be bald. Sometimes even bald people find the rain too much. The slightest breezes make umbrellas hopeless so it’s a hat that we need. Which to choose? Taller people and fat people carry off anything with a brim with more aplomb; here are fedoras, trilby’s and homburgs.

If you are not quite so tall (and if you are) then a beret works well for you. Black or navy and any colour at all if you feel a little flamboyant.

Berets and their variations are perfect. Here is Monsieur Datte, vineyard owner in Couzy-sur-Cissay in front of the camera of Henri Cartier-Bresson in 1955, “the most French looking person of that year”

Sunny and hot? The bald head carries off a panama hat perfectly well, wear it over your Calypso sun protection because you will frequently be removing your hat to show your head to just the right amount of safe sun exposure and the perfect brown skin. When the hat is off, it’s a gentle fan, when it is on then it is shading your eyes (be careful to avoid looking like a spy if you are wearing sun glasses as well).  

Never ever put on a knotted hanky.

Flat caps. The only people who should wear flat caps are from Yorkshire or Lancashire and only when the weather is grey, dismal and drizzling and with the coat collar turned up at the back. They should only be made of good wool tweed, never of cotton. It is ghastly in the extreme to wear one whilst golfing.

That brings me to the odious baseball cap. Only ever wear a baseball cap when on a yacht (and even then a beanie or bobble hat is far better). Maybe, just maybe you can wear one in an MX5 with the top down. You can wear one back to front if you are rapping or if you are actually playing baseball. It is not acceptable for bald people to wear a baseball cap in any other circumstance.

Other hats to consider or avoid are; A cowboy hat is fine if you can carry it off and have livestock around you.

Beanies and bobble hats made by your aunt are excellent. The Aussie outback hat is fair dinkum especially in the outback.

Hats to definitely avoid include; Fisherman’s caps, anything in leather, pith helmets, newsboy caps and army hats (unless it’s a military style beret or if you are in the military). Wear a Policeman’s hat if you are a policeman, a crown only indoors and if you are a King. Do not wear a fascinator.

Top hats of course are right at the appropriate occasion. Pork Pie hats and Fez’s can be worn only if you are being silly.

Always wear your hat with confidence. Reveal your bald head frequently to show that you are not wearing the hat to conceal baldness.


Use your hat. Utilise the grand sweeping removal gesture. Tip your hat to acknowledge others. Turn it around gently in your hands as you consider a matter and then pop it onto your head as you reveal the solution to the problem.

Always remove your hat on entering a building and adjust it eloquently as you put it on to leave.

So, get yourself a hat, enjoy it and enjoy removing it to reveal your beautiful bald head.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *